Saturday, June 13, 2020

This was what I heard growing up and these were my experiences.

I have not written in a while because, quite frankly, I have been trying to process all the things that have been going on in our country, mainly what happened to George Floyd. My heart grieves for all who knew and loved him, and the injustice that was done. There are lot of questions. There are a lot of assumptions. The investigation is ongoing and will probably take some time. It is my hope that there will soon be answers, and justice will be swift. It is also my hope that my experiences shared here will help you gain some insight because if you are like me, sometimes when we hear about things in the news, we don't quite understand it, until someone we know experiences it. It is neither my intention to add any proverbial fuel to the fire, nor to add any drama. Some people closest to me, both white and black, who know me well, have encouraged me to share my story.

So the issue at hand here is racism. It is not something everyone wants to talk about or read about. It can be negative, I know. It is not something everyone experiences. But for those of us who have, it brings forth feelings that many people don't experience on a regular basis, or perhaps in a lifetime. Just like values, traditions, ideologies, and attitudes often get passed from generation to generation, so can racism. This was what I heard growing up, and these were my experiences.

Kids hear a lot of things their parents say -- some stick and some do not. I do not know at what age it was when I first heard my parents say, "All people are the same. They look different on the outside, but inside everyone has feelings and everyone has red blood." It was one of the things that stayed with me. Having grown up in Seattle and having been a young professional working in downtown Seattle, I walked the same sidewalks with people from all over the world in business clothing. It was what I saw. It was my daily normal. I had and still have friends with different skin colors, one of which was a beautiful Ethiopian friend who enriched me with an experience of attending an Ethiopian wedding.

When I think of myself, I do not think of me as being Asian, or being my husband's wife, or my kids' mom. I simply think of myself as me, Susan, as someone whom God loves and created for a purpose. But I have been with people who made me feel "small" or like I was less than they were.

One situation happened when our sons were younger. I had a home business doing tailoring and also reupholstery. A lady called me for an appointment to look at a couch for which she wanted to have slipcovers made. I showed up at the scheduled time, rang the doorbell, and the lady opened the door to greet me. I said, "Hello! I'm Susan Showalter and we have an appointment at 1:00." She looked at me from head to toe, looked puzzled and asked, "You are... You. Uh... You are Susan, uh, Showalter?" I simply acknowledged. So she repeated, "You are (pause) Susan (pause) Showalter?" I acknowledged again. She invited me in as she, once again, looked at me from head to toe. I said, "Were you expecting someone else?" She shook her head and proceeded to show me the couch. The whole time that I took measurements and made sketches, I felt her eyes on me, not on what I was doing. I left there with a feeling that I could not describe, except that it did not feel very good. I later learned from some of my white American friends who knew me well, that this part of the county had more people who have not had much diversity in their lives so were not used to anyone looking different from them.

Almost 20 years later, another experience took place at a company event where a certain elected official was present as part of a ribbon cutting ceremony. At the beginning of the event, there were a lot of people surrounding her. Some time later I saw her standing by herself. As I do not wish anyone to feel out of place, I came up to her, shook her hand, introduced myself by my name and title with the company, and thanked her for being there. She too looked at me from head to toe and her only response was "You are, are you?" That feeling from long ago came back. I did not know what to do with it. I held it together and soon after that exchange, the event was over. I went out to my car and just bawled my eyes out. When I don't know what to do with my feelings, I pray. And there in the car, I prayed through sobs, "Lord, I don't know what to do with that. I don't know what to do with my emotions that seem overwhelming right now." I turned the car on and the song You Say from Lauren Daigle came on the radio. I bawled more and just held on to the words of the song which seemed at the time like God speaking to me directly, addressing my thoughts and feelings at the time. If you are not familiar with the song, here are some of the lyrics:

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know, ooh oh
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh, You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh, I believe
What You say of me
I believe
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, ooh oh
You say I am loved... (the Chorus continues)

There were other instances but these give you an idea. My siblings have experienced some of this over the years too, but we have overcome. We have let it go and did not let it hold us back or be bitter. As for me, what has helped is to go to the Lord and ask Him to work on my tumultuous emotions. Then, I look to His Word to sustain me and provide peace. Verses that have helped me to deal with this:

I Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled. Trust in God, also trust in Me.
Philippians 3:13 ... I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead.

My experiences have helped me to empathize and sympathize with those being treated badly or unfairly. I hope and pray that I never become bitter, but instead continue to love others as God has loved me, and instructed me to do the same. I want to be like Him because "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  1Samuel 16:7b. Let us all encourage each other to guard our hearts against thoughts about others who are different than us because "... inside everyone has feelings and everyone has red blood."


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