Been thinking about... Compliments

OK. Raise your hand if you enjoy compliments from others. It makes you feel good - right? It can buoy us and lift our spirit for a little while no matter our age. Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." I am not talking about flattery which can be viewed as having a hidden agenda, or as insincere praise. When that happens, we can usually detect it. What then is a praise or compliment? Why don't we give it more often and why should we?

Some of us think that giving compliments and flattery are the same so we do not do it. It is not. Flattery goes something like, "I bet you're a hard worker" from someone who does not have a window into your work at home or in the office, even if we see them on a regular basis. This does not mean each time someone praises us, we should be suspicious. I am not suggesting that at all.

Compliments on the other hand are genuine, sincere comments that confirm something positive about someone. Examples: "Wow, that blouse looks really nice on you and it brings out your eye color!" "You are a really good friend to shop for your friends during this coronavirus craziness." We don't have to know someone well to say something good about them. It simply takes some observation or learning about the other person, taking our minds off of ourselves, and a thoughtful crafting of how to compliment the person.

There are reasons why we may not be in the habit of giving praise or compliments. Perhaps some of us might be insecure about ourselves so we may think that by giving praise or compliments, we are giving away more of ourselves and we simply cannot afford to feel any lower emotionally than we already do. Perhaps some of us did not grow up in families that gave compliments so we do not know how. Someone told me that was the case in their family. They would get all dressed up for certain occasions, and simply looked at each other thinking how nice the clothing or accessories appeared, but never said anything. Whatever our reason, we can learn to to do this very beneficial act.

Genuine praise and compliments benefit us and the recipients of our encouraging words. For ourselves, it puts us in the mindset of looking for positive things in other people. It is super easy to be critical and to see the negatives. However, the more we practice looking for good qualities in people, the easier it is to see them. Positive people also affect those around them. In instances where I have spent time with an encouraging person whose beauty shines through with their positive words, I have come away wanting to do and be the same. To be genuine and to be received by the hearer as being genuine, we need to observe and learn, and really think about what we are saying so our comments are not perceived as general flattery! And, the more we do it, the easier it is to compliment or praise others. We already know how it makes us feel when someone compliments or praises us, so imagine giving that same feeling to the person you are talking with. It's never too late to learn. 

Some of my favorites from happier.com:

1. You always find something special in ordinary things.

2. Your perspective is refreshing.

3. You are a great listener.

4. I am inspired by you.

5. You are making a difference.

Have you complimented someone recently, or have you been the recipient of praise? Would love to hear about it! In the meanwhile, here are some proverbs to "chew" on:

Proverbs 18:21a "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." NASB

Proverbs 15:2 "The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of the fool belches out foolishness." NLT

Been thinking about Mother's Day

Every year as Mother's Day approaches, I reflect upon the years of raising our sons. I have very fond memories of those years and cherish the details in my heart. It was hard work, and challenging no doubt, but it was so rewarding! So much more rewarding than any professional jobs I have undertaken. My husband and I didn't know anything about parenting, but learned it came down to intentionality, mission, and faith.

When our guys were born, the internet wasn't around and there were no blogs or podcasts. Because, as you know, babies don't come with instructions, we read "a million" books, listened to radio broadcasts on parenting, and attended a parenting conference to learn about parenting God’s way. At this one conference, a word picture was painted -- one of a warrior with a quiver full of arrows. Warriors from long ago made their arrows. The goal was to make sure each one was straight. Then, they trained themselves to shoot straight as well, obviously, so that the arrows hit the target. As the process went, the warrior held the bow with the arrow, drew the arrow back, and was careful to release it in such a way so that it flew straight to where it was supposed to go.

Similarly, in parenting, we train our children in such a way that we can have confident hope that when we release them, they would not miss the mark. Of course, this does not take into consideration, any child’s own decisions. Throughout a child’s life, there are many “release points”. These are times in life when you “release” your child into someone else’s care. Times when you do not have immediate hands-on control over your children to help them make decisions. The idea is to train them in such a way that when they are in someone else’s care, they can self-regulate. In other words, use their manners, behave, and make wise decisions, especially in the volatile pre-teen and teenage years.

A common release point is the first day of preschool or Kindergarten. They are in the care of the teacher and you are not there to help them follow instructions, organize their school supplies, or remember to wash their hands. Another is the first sleepover. You hope they use their manners, brush their teeth, and behave well. At any of these releasing points, you hope that you taught them well so that they can manage being away from you. During pre-teen and teenage years, you hope that when they are away, that they would choose what they view or listen to with discernment. And, finally, you want to train them in such a way that they can "launch" and be on their own, be responsible adults, able to take care of themselves and be independent. You will be surprised at how much children can learn to do even at a young age. One simple practical application: Once they know their colors, they can sort and do laundry: dark colors, whites, and pastels.

Children are accountable to parents when they are growing up living at home, and parents have the opportunity to instruct them. But, what happens when they start to tune out their parents or are grown and out of the house? To whom will they listen or be accountable? This is where introducing faith in God into their lives at a young age comes in. At some point in their lives, it's no longer "because we said so", but "because God says so." We teach them when they are little to look both ways so that they do not get hit by a car by dashing out into the street and get killed or seriously hurt. In the same way, God gives us instructions on how to live so that we don't hurt ourselves and others. Additionally, life is complex and there might be times when they face a certain situation where we do not have answers. That's when they need to tap into their faith and seek God.

To all the moms out there who are still raising children at home, I know you have a hard job. I know because I have been there. I want to encourage you to seek wisdom and sound advice. My husband and I did. We observed families in the church we attended at the time whose children were loving, selfless, respectful to their parents and to others, who worked hard in school and at home. We sought advice from them. There's a plethora of information out there and not all of it is sound or wise. Don't be afraid to reach out to another mom with more experience than you whom you respect to ask some questions. They don't have to be earth-shattering matters. It could be a simple as how to train your child to do chores.

To the more seasoned moms reading this, I would encourage you to make yourself available to chat with that mom raising children who needs some answers. Of course we know that not all children are the same, but share what worked for you. Be honest enough to share what didn't work, or where you may have made mistakes as well.

So, keep on keeping on. Be intentional. Have a mission. Seek wisdom from God, from others, and pray. Then be confident in all that God points you to. My husband and I had this motto when were raising our boys: Do your best based on what you've learned is right, and pray like mad! Cherish those big alligator tear drops. Cherish the cute sayings. Cherish even those awkward challenging teen years. Time does fly by all too fast. You can do this!

Been thinking about change...

So the weather has been unstable where I live. One day I was out on my back deck enjoying the sunshine. The sun was intense and I enjoyed its warmth on my face. All of a sudden the clouds rolled in, and it "poured buckets" for about 10 minutes, stopped and the sun came out again.

Things get unpredictable from minor every day occurrences to major events. Just like it can rain one minute and the next be sunny. We may feel fine one day and the next day we wake up with aches or fever. In recent months, globally, people saw an abrupt change, and much worse than the weather changing. It seemed one day we were shopping, going to work, and doing business as usual, and the next, most everything was shut down. Just like 19 years ago, one day we were flying and doing business as usual. The next, the tragedy of September 11, 2001 happened.

For me personally, I lived through a rather huge change -- the fall of my birth country from democracy to communism. Mind you I was only 10 years old and don't quite remember the minutiae. However, it seemed one day I was going to school as usual. The next, we packed up what we could fit into suitcases along with some gold, U.S. dollars & dried foods, (thanks to the planning on my parents' part!) and left. Within what seemed like only several hours, we left everything behind and boarded a ship headed to America with the aid of the U.S. military and the American Red Cross along the way.

Change happens. Nothing really is for certain. It was Benjamin Franklin who said that there are only two things certain about life: taxes, and death. So do we walk around fearful that something bad is going to happen around the corner? An emphatic - No! Don't invite fear into your life or it will stay! We can react out of fear which leads to irrational decisions that may hurt us or others in the long run, or we can calmly plan to do that which is right. Not all change is bad. Not all change happens all the time. Change can also be good such as when one gets a promotion, or when a company gets a big contract.

I have seen and heard of some pretty ugly human behavior when drastic change happens such as siblings dealing with the parents' estate after they are gone. With the coronavirus situation, many of us experienced the effects of others' panic and hoarding. (We were literally down to 6 rolls of toilet paper at one point with none to be found anywhere for days! LOL) On the flip side, I am so encouraged by how some people not only adjust, but go out of their way to bless others during this time.

First, there is a ministry in the area called Tree of Life that serves people in need. The current pandemic did not stop them, as they continued to help people with food and meals, taking precaution with masks, gloves, and keeping the physical distance. (Sorry, I do not like the term social distancing. To me that's when you distance yourself socially from someone you really don't like -- haha!)

Second, a few of weeks ago, a former supervisor called to check in on me and my husband. Can you believe it -- a former supervisor! Even though I no longer work for him and in that sense no longer benefit him, he still wanted to make sure we were okay. Different friends have checked in with me, as well, to see how I was doing. Lastly, a couple of weeks ago, someone came by with her daughter and drew a rainbow, with a ladybug, and butterfly on my driveway just to bless me! :) These examples show how some people not only adjust to a very different way of living during this pandemic, but go out of their way to express care for others.

They say we learn a lot of things from our parents. One of the things I've learned from mine is resiliency. More on this in a later post. For now, one thing I want to encourage parents with children still at home is to embrace and be flexible with life's normal and sometimes not-so-normal changes. Life can be full of it. It can be a minor thing like the weather disrupting plans for an outdoor picnic. It can be a favorite product getting discontinued. Those are really minor changes. We can look for a new product or be continually annoyed and complain. Kids are like recorders. How we deal with little things or big changes can contribute to shaping how they navigate changes in life as an adult.

If you are struggling with what is going on or with a totally difference situation all together, I hope you find encouragement in this verse:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." Romans 5:3-4